yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
