I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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