Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
