Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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