you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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