***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
