i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
