I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
