I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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