You smell like a Billy Joel song
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
