you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
