time to smoke my breakfast
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
