It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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