P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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