Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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