Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize