There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize