I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
