Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
