who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
