I puked a lego.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
