If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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