I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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