The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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