Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Sober January is a disaster.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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