If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
