Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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