I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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