i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
