i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
