He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm getting married
To pizza
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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