My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
there is puke in my bra ... again
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