Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
