he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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