You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
