i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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