Soap is not a condiment
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
