I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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