i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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