we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
