I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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