I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
