Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
