so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
