Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
