How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
