Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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