Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
