if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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