AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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