I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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