my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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