i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You smell like stripper and shame
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
