I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
