He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You may now shotgun with the bride
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
